


Dedication

by aokilovesjaehyun



Category: NCT (Band), We Go Up - NCT Dream (Music Video)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:14:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22689814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aokilovesjaehyun/pseuds/aokilovesjaehyun
Summary: PS:By the time you are reading this I might be in a place where we can never meet soon. So when you read this, I want to say sorry for not telling you.Nana
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 110





	1. Jaemin's D-Day

**Author's Note:**

> I am feeling sad and lonely today.

Nana's Bucket List before D-Day 

_1.) Confess to Jeno about my feelings (90 days before D-Day)_

Dear Jeno,

I tried to confess to you today, and you told me that you are preparing to confess to someone on the next couple of months. I held my words inside and you asked me that if I were the one you will confess to what will be perfect for me. Then I told you that saying it is perfect already, because what matters is the feelings we felt for each other. That is what will make it perfect.

It hurts, but I know that it was not me you love. You offered to send me home today, but I can't hold my tears so I lied and told you I need to go somewhere. 

I did went to a certain place. The place where we first met each other for the first time, it was an old junkyard of cars. I climbed on the old container van and watch the sun settting. Let my tears ran, don't worry Jeno it's not because you love someone else. I just needed to cry because I asked for a sign. A sign that if you feel the same for me, I will tell you what will happen on d-day and share to you the days before it. 

But, this situation is much better. I can just completely drift away bit by bit. Hoping that when this first letter reach to you, you will not blame yourself for not reciprocating my love for you. It's fine, I am fine. I ate an ice cream today, but I guess the salt in my eyes overpowered the sweet taste. 

I love you.

Nana

_2.) Spend time with my favorite baby chick Jisung ( 85 days before D-day)_

Dear Jeno,

I asked Jisung to spend some time today, and he rejected me. ahahahaha he told me to stop being clingy over him. I guess my baby is all grown up. And that he won't be needing me for the next chapter of his life. 

However, I did kissed him and hugged him today. I hope he felt how much I cherish him. My timing was not very good, I guess he is planning to spend some time with Chenle. I will try to ask him out again next time.

Oh, upon reading this, if you happen to meet my baby chick Jisung please hug him for me. He tends to say no to it, but he loves it the most. And please from time to time cook his favorite food that I taught you.

I love you.

Nana

_3) Have that heart to heart conversation with Donghyuck (80 days before D-Day)_

Dear Jeno,

Hyuckie and I had a fight today. I advised him that he should be more honest on how he feels. And he got mad saying that I should not be giving some advise when my life is not even working fine. Actually that is the point, my life is a mess and I don't want him to suffer the pain I felt. I don't want him to waste time and energy on something that he can actually be happy.

Please tell him that he is doing a great job, sometimes he tends to underestimate his capabilities. He is someone so amazing and I believe he will do great things. Tell him that I have always root for his dreams and I have hoped he confessed to Mark sooner so that they can be together sooner.

I love you.

Nana

_4.) Go to that theme park with Renjun (75 days before D-Day)_

Dear Jeno,

I went to that theme park with Renjun, good thing he went with me. We rode that ferris wheel we had been dreaming about. And you know what? He confessed to me his love for you. I don't know what to feel. But because you are both important to me, I told him that I support him. That I will root for the both of you. I told him to confess to you soon. Don't waste any time. Because time is very important. Wasted time can never be bought.

If you have reciprocated his love by the time you are reading this, please be happy ok. I wish you both to love each other the way we could've had. I am crying while writing those words, tears are falling and I can't stop it. I am sorry I can't be selfish enough to fight for how I feel.

I love you.

Nana

_5.) Take that adult talk with Mark Hyung (60 days before D-Day)_

Dear Jeno,

Finally, that adult talk with Mark hyung. I envy him, he planned his life ahead. I hope I can do that as well. He told me that he plan to confess to Donghyuck only if his life are settled. He told me a lot of things, that life should have meaning whenever I wake up. 

Then I realized, I wake up each day because I look forward to being with you. That I don't have much dreams in life instead of having those with you. But just the same, D-day will arrive and I know that you will be with someone you love. And I got worried less, but pained more.

Maybe I should start thinking on how to live my life alone after D-Day. If ever..

I love you.

Nana

_6.) Schedule that tea time with Chenle (55 days before D-Day)_

Dear Jeno,

Chenle confessed how much he loves Jisung. And he told me in front of that tea that I should confess to you because Renjun did it already. I told him that it's fine, there is no rush in professing love. It's not a marathon on who said it first. Then Chenle got mad at me, because he told me that yes it's not a race but I am wasting the chance you could've felt differently with me if I had confessed to you earlier.

That's so funny, I guess you don't have to plan that big confession you try to plan out for the next month. I bet you are happy together. I should feel that right? 

However, when you meet Chenle today, please tell him that he is right. I should've confessed to you. Because I feel shit now, I am crying so hard imagining things that the both you are doing together. It's too damn painful because my imagine ran too wild for my liking. Don't mind me rambling about crying today, I know these tears will soon dry up. I will be fine.

I love you.

Nana

_7.) Ask our friends for a group date (50 days before D - Day)_

**diary no entry**

_8.) Spend a whole weekend with Jeno (40 days before D-Day)_

**diary no entry**

_9.) Spend a whole weekend with my brother Jaehyun (30 days before D-Day)_

**diary no entry**

_**10.) Try to confess my love for Jeno for the last time (10 days before D-Day)** _

Dear Jeno,

I am sorry, I can't spend these last days of my life with you. I tried to make this stupid bucket list but in the end everything kept on messing up. Maybe it's not meant to be for this life time. 

I don't know when it started but it all began when I realized that I want to kiss you. You are always there for me, caring for me, having so much fun with me. Then I began to get scared because I want you for myself. But then, that was an awful feeling. So I started to hide my feelings, my pain and the fact that I am really sick.

I will undergo my operation in the next 10 days, and I dropped out of school because of that. Sorry for getting you mad at me, and asking for you to leave me alone. Because I don't want you guys to know that I am suffering. I asked my parents to let me go to school despite of my medication because I want every moment of my life spent like the usual regular days. All of you have been making fun of my fisherman's hat ahahahah. Sorry I can't let you know that my hair is almost gone due to some chemo session. All our teachers knew about my sickness and my parents asked them to conceal it from all the students. Because that is my wish. To live my life normally as the days of my life comes to an end.

I want to spend it normally as if I will live a life 10 years more, because that is what I am hoping. I don't want you to love me because you will loose me in a couple of months, I think your love for me on a daily basis is enough. I don't need special occasions because the moment spent with you on a normal day is special enough for me. Sending me home, cuddles on movie marathon and lunch time with bickering. The normal feeling of there is life ahead is what I wish to have.

Honestly, lately I tried to detached. Donghyuck and Mark getting mad at me is tolerable. I know they will forgive me, and soon everyone will forget me. And I know you will be happy with Renjun, he loves you so much. I think he will take care of you more than what I can do.

Kindly take care of my baby Jisung, I know he will cry as soon as I am gone, but just the same he will get over it because he have Chenle by his side. I am the odd one out of our 7 magical friends. And without me, the pairing is even now. You will not even know I am gone.

If you are reading my diary, maybe because my mom has went to your house and that my final operation is not succesful. If that happens, I want you to burn this and live the life you have always wanted.

I love you so much Jeno, forgive me for not confessing face to face. Forgive me for leaving everyone behind without saying a goodbye. Please tell them I love them so much.

Forever yours,

Nana

=====================================================================================================================

**D-Day is Jaemin's brain cancer operation**

"Why did he have to keep it from us?" Donghyuck was sobbing in the corner of the hospital. Mark was hugging him and soothing him while crying as well.

"Nana hyung, why didn't you tell any one us? Why are you so selfish in times like this? Why?" Jisung was crying and Chenle was crying with him at the same time.

"Stupid Jaemin!! Always jumping into conclusions!" Renjun was crying as well. He looked at Jeno.

Jeno was reading the diary all over again. Which Jaemin's mom gave him when they came. Jeno's tears ran on his face and silently reads the diary over and over again.

After a few more hours.....

Jaemin's mom went outside to talk to them.

"His operation was succesful, but the doctor said we still need to wait for him to wake up." -

After informing them that Jaemin can accept visitors after a week they all went home.

However, Jaemin never woke up.....


	2. Jeno's Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Nana,
> 
> You are the most selfish person I have ever loved.
> 
> I love you too.
> 
> Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, we tend to take for granted someone's existence. Thinking that they will always be around. Little did we know that they can drift apart from us... flee away from the pain we unconciously do.

Jeno's Diary

_30 Days after Jaemin's D-Day_

Dear Nana,

Hello there, it's been a month and you are still sleeping beautifully. We thought you will wake up soon, but to no avail. To be very honest, I am so mad at you! Why did you jump into that conclusion that I don't love you. Then I reflect on my actions, each day I began to hate myself. Thinking that if I could've at least give you a hint that I love you that the person I want to confess to was actually you.

That on the day that Renjun confessed to me, I rejected him telling him that I love someone else. He asked me if I that person is you. I didn't answer him, because I want the first person to know about my feeling is no other than you. I want to confess to you. I have been preparing for 3 months. Foolish as I am, those are the days you are actually preparing for your D-Day.

I love you Jaemin, way way far more than you realize you do. But, the coward me wouldn't even take that one little step further.

Everyday, I would always go to that old van where we used to hang out? Cry, and smile as the sun sets. I would always regret not letting you know how much I love you.

Please wake up soon. And I promise to love you each day. Oh God, it's too painful without you. How can you even thought that I can easily forget you? It's too damn difficult living like this.

Too damn painful thinking that one day you might give up breathing and leave us completely.

I love you too.

Jeno

_35 days after Jaemin's D-Day_

Dear Nana,

Hello there pretty sleeping beauty, I ran over Jisung today. And I saw his eyes are swollen and red. He told me that he woke up dreaming about you. And up to this day, he regretted not going to with you on that date you asked him. I know you will be sad knowing that your baby is sad, so I asked him to come to my dorm. I cooked his favorite meal that you used to cook for him. And while eating he burst out sobbing again. And again, as you have mentioned, I hugged him. He kept on saying that he miss you so much. And he somehow hated you for thinking that you are not needed on the next chapter of his life.

Even with Chenle by his side, he needs you as a hyung. 

Tonight, I cuddled with Jisung. Do you believe that? He asked me that I hope to imagine that I am you for tonight. He cried as I craddle him to sleep. And I told him that he should dream, because in his dream you might be visiting him and spend time together.

I love you too.

Jeno

_40 days after Jaemin's D-Day_

Dear Nana,

Hello there again my pretty angel, Donghyuck and I are team mates for a project. We talked about you again, and as I look at Hyuck he had that pained expression on his face as he describes you. He said that he should've have realized when you had that fight. You are never that kind of person to spark anything unless there is something wrong. He blamed his lack of awareness, he told me that he failed to notice what you are trying to do. He is so sorry for not appreciating your advise about taking that chance as soon as possible. He hoped that he should've tried to understand why are you trying to point out those things to him that day. He was devasted to learn that you think we can forget about you as easily. 

Because we can not.

We can never ever forget you. We will look at each other at lunch time and miss your pouty face. We miss your clingy hugs. We miss your surprise kisses. But above all, I miss you so much! Damn Jaemin, why did you lie to us? We are supposed to deal with your pain together. Leaving us like this, made us realize on how we neglected your subtle signs of pain.

I can't write anymore. I just want to cry tonight.

I love you too.

Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shower your love one's with as much affection as you can. Say that I love you as often as you can. Because time with them are as precious as life.


	3. Jeno's Diary part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Nana,
> 
> If you want to rest, it's ok. I am letting you go baby. But, before you go. Can you open your eyes even for a second? I miss your beautiful eyes.....
> 
> I love you too.
> 
> Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love is painful. And that is the reason why we love, that pain keeps us the feeling of being alive.

_45 days after Jaemin's D-day_

Dear Nana,

Hello there pretty babe, Renjun and I went on the theme park you both went. And for the second time, he confessed to me. And for the second time as well, I rejected him. You see babe, eventhough you are out there sleeping, without me knowing if you are coming back or not I am loyal to loving you. Renjun hugged me so tight, because he said he is giving up his love for me, and he wants to give his last shot. 

He said, you are right all along. **It is never a marathon who loved first, nor who confessed first and even who felt the love first. It's the manner of realizing that you are in fact IN LOVE with that special person and that you feel the same.** Renjun is moving on as he said. He told me he can never compete with you, because he loves you most after me. And he hopes that you could've put up a fight with him. He misses you so much as we both stare on the view from the ferris wheel.

Baby, I miss you so much. Today is my time to visit you in the hospital. I am so excited! I miss seeing you. Your beautiful eye lashes, your pointed cutesy nose and your always dry pouty lips. And your hair, baby it grew back! And the doctor's are taking it as a good sign that you are getting better. 

But, I can't help but miss that bright beautiful doll eyes of yours. I will tell you a secret, don't let our friends know ok. It's just between you and me. I have fallen for you as soon as our eyes met. Your eyes, gives me thousands of emotions I can't even fathom when I first met you. I felt like I can stare at it forever. So baby, please wake up. I want to tell this to you face to face. I want to get lost on your eyes again.

I love you too.

Jeno

_46 days after Jaemin's D-Day_

Dear Nana,

Hello there pretty bub, you don't know how much you made me happy yesterday. I saw your fingers moved. Damn! I will never loose my hopes baby. I know you will come back to me. And when you do! I will shower you all the love you deserve!

Mark hyung came yesterday, and he told me that I might be seeing things. But I know what I saw, it's not my illusion. Mark hyung remind me that there are lots of things out there. That the world is big for me to explore. I laughed so much! Because how can he say that, when he knew that you are my world.

He is reminding me that I shouldn't be like this. That you might leave me anytime soon. I lost it actually. I laughed so much I began cracking my voice. Then I realized I am crying again. Mark hyung always gives that damn real talk that came crashing as the painful truth.

Should I really give up on you now babe? No! As long as you are trying to fight, I will stay with you. No matter how long it takes. You are fighting too right?

I love you too.

Jeno

_60 days after Jaemin's D-day_

Dear Nana,

Hello pretty love, I brought flowers today. It's that time of the year where we get to rest from school. And surprise! I will be with you everyday. And I have adopted a another baby! I can't wait for you too meet our baby samoyed puppy Lala. He is a boy, but I know you will name him as girly as you can. We are his parents, and you can't say NO. You don't have a choice. Remember when you force yoursef of being another dad of Bongshik? This is getting back at you.

And babe, Chenle is with me today. We drank that favorite tea he keeps on nagging me we shoud taste. It's tastes bad, but don't let him know ok. He misses you too. He said, he miss those reactions of you he loves to mimic. Baby, you are getting skinnier. Please wake up soon so we can eat lots of healthy food. You always remind us to eat healthy food and it on time but it's you who always eats less and tend to skip them.

Tonight I will end this early, because I am so excited to sleep by your side. I will sleep while hugging you tonight. I can't help buy steal some kisses too.

I love you too.

Jeno

_70 days after Jaemin's D-Day_

"Jeno, until when are you going to stay in the hospital?" - Donghyuck and Jeno are packing his stuff on Jeno's dorm.

"Until our summer break is over. i don't want to miss it if ever Nana open his eyes." He enthusiastically replies. Carefully placing all his favorite hoodies. Donghyuck releases a painful sigh.

"Hey! Don't give me that look. Nana is indeed recovering ..

RINGGGGGGGGGG......

"Hello? yes Mrs. Na! I am on my way now!!!" Jeno hurriedly puts on his shoes. 

"Wait , what what is happening?!" Donghyuck screamed at Jeno, who is now on the door.

"Nana woke up!!! HE IS AWAKE!!" Jeno replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good bye or see you again Nana?


	4. I will live forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone deserves a second chance.

"Jaemin, please eat up baby." Jeno is trying to feed Jaemin. But Jaemin looked at him with blank eyes.

_The procedure we made to remove his tumor affected some parts of his brain due to shock. He may not remember some of you, and as of the moment his ability to speak is inoperative._

"Who are you? And why are you taking care of me?" - Jaemin wrote on his memo. It was given to him by his parents for him to communicate his thoughts.

"I am your..." Jeno stopped and a faint pain on his eyes but he continued " bestfriend."

"I don't know you. Please leave me be. I can take care of myself. I don't feel comfortable with you. Whenever you are here, I feel pain in my chest." Jaemin wrote it on the note. And coldly showed it to Jeno.

Jeno's shoulder went down. "I will leave for now, but promise me you will eat your food ok." Jeno sadly stood without looking at Jaemin's eyes.

And as soon as Jeno shuts the door, Jaemin nonchalantly eats his food.

**_A few months later._ **

Jaemin is discharged from the hospital and are now attending his classes. Jeno and their friends is now on their senior year and Jaemin was held back a year later because of what happened to him.

Jaemin's inability to speak made him aloof of everyone. He doesn't want any friends beside him and continues to stay away from Jeno and their old set of friends.

However, Jeno will always follow Jaemin. He will fetch him in the morning without getting near him. Jeno will always be a few meters away from Jaemin but whenever Jaemin looks around he will see Jeno always lurking around.

_**Graduation day for Senior** _

Jeno went to Jaemin's house. And when Jaemin opened their gate he looked at Jeno with a blank expression.

"I know you don't want to ever talk to me again. But I have been keeping something that belongs to you." Jeno said.

Jaemin frowns but curiousity are written on his face.

"I want to return your diary. And before that, I want you to know that I have always, always do." Jeno left after handing the notebook to Jaemin.

Jaemin stared at the notebook, closed the door of their house and went straight to his room. He placed the diary on his table and started to continue doing his assignments.

It was at night time, as Jaemin was about to go to sleep when he accidentally glanced again at the diary given to him by Jeno. With a pained expression, he touched the diary and opened it.

He began reading his diary, which in the end became Jeno's diary as he continues to read.

**A few hours later.**

**The last entry**

_6 months after Nana woke up_

**_Hi Nana,_ **

**_By the time you are reading this, I might be on my way to the airport to go to my dream college. I hope to help you in recovering your memory, but as you have mentioned. Being with me was very painful. Don't worry baby, I won't force you to remember me and as much as I want to always be near you. I need to move away, for you to start recovering your memory._ **

**_Let me tell you something, hoping that this will inspire you in trying to recover your memories._ **

**_Jisung misses you so much. He keeps on complaining that whenever he tries to approach you, you are always cold to him. He wants to practice dancing with you again, he wants you to give him the warm hugs you used to give him. And he always cries to me whenever you look him in the eye and he see how sad you are. Your baby chick misses your doe-like eyes with your bright and wide smile._ **

**_Chenle's tea time with you. Did you know that he even asked his dad to put up a cafe near our school so that both of you can take the time of your life chatting together? Please remember those tea topics only the both of you can remember._**

**_Renjun has been meaning to tell you about his new crush. My ears are bleeding every time he squeaks about how oozingly handsome Yukhei was. Please baby, remember to tell Renjun to tone it down._ **

**_Haechan, can I skip about him baby? He is a pain in the ass, really. Anyway, Haechan misses you a lot because he wants to share how him and Mark hyung not so subtly flirt with each. Oh please baby remember on how you can control Haechan's antics. Please rescue me, because I will be with the couple on the same university._ **

**_And as for Mark hyung, he wishes to visit you after this school year. But, I already mentioned to him about your memory. He understands, but he also hopes that as soon as you recover your memory. Please do let us know as soon as possible._**

**_Finally, I want you to know that I am really thankful you are alive. Thanks for coming back, seeing you alive is enough for me. I have a lifetime to spend in waiting for you to remember me. I love you so much._ **

**_I know I may not be the person to make you happy, but I have decided to wait for you until you remember me again. And when that time comes, I have this faith in you that it will be the happiest time of our life. We will love each other every day._**

**_Hoping that you will remember me soon, and look me in those lovely eyes of yours and whisper my name again. That's my only wish baby, I hope that you will be able to talk again. Because your voice is the best sound I have ever heard. Although, I know that we can communicate even without speaking, I still want to hear you say how much you love me too._**

**_I love you Nana..._**

**_Forever yours,_ **

**_Jeno_ **

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**The END...** _

_**1 year later** _

Jeno is on his college dorm fixing his stuff because his new roommate will arrive today.

College life is nothing but deadlines and deadlines of projects and researches.

He heard someone is knocking on the door. And because he is expecting his new room mate he rushes to open the door without asking who is it.

"Hi! I am Je..no.." His jaw dropped.

A familiar figure was standing on his door step. The pair of beautiful doe-eyes and bright smile are beaming at him. He gasped at the sight of Na Jaemin standing in front of him.

"Hi baby! I'm back!" Jaemin ran to him and gave him a tight hugged.

Jeno's eyes widens. And before he can utter any word. Jaemin whispered on his ears.

"Yes baby, I love you too!" 

Jeno kissed Jaemin hungrily, which Jaemin reciprocated with much fervor.

_**The Beginning.....** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for hurting you.


End file.
